Week 24: The Grande Dame

 

My mother is the last of her three sisters to survive and she does it with great style at 86. At the Masters Olympic Games she goes from diving board to jacuzzi between dives and then posts her pictures of winning medals on facebook. ( Also posting messages to family members as she hasn’t figured out messaging ( you can find her under LOIS WOOD-Lawrence Park Collegate

olympicsday7divingewgkr8qhxqplIt is curious that I write about mom, I notice I write more stream of concisousness now.

I enjoy writing for content, I also believe it helps me stay true to my inner self

My life has always been like this, I LIVE on some edge of irreverence with the greatest intention of being meaningful. As the decades continue to fly by this choice has not ever changed for long.

living_on_the_edge_w1Perhaps it is the wish to remain unique in a world that appears to want homogenization ( most especially in corporations, or systems like education).

Perhaps it is because I was a Spock baby.

No, not Leonard Nemoy, he came far after the author who insighted mothers like mine the idea that they should give their children ‘choice’! Back then it was asking me as a very small child what I thought and maybe even what I felt about things…poor mom, I believe it did make her job much more difficult later, even now.

Now though what is most curious about this week is that I have thought about my mother. I am often thinking about my children and the kind of relationship I enjoy with them and these relationships are far grander than the one I have had with my mother in every way..

So to not only think of my mother this week, to reach out and call her and listen to her tell me stories that I am not especially excited to hear surprises me that the compassion I have often extended to my daughters, my friends, animals and strangers….

I now extend to my mother with great understanding and humor.

NOW THIS IS A VERY NEW ME! Gone are the upsets of the projections or expectations or wishes that things were different than what they are and here is truly a GIVE MORE situation….without even a concern for a GET MORE.

INFACT I AM GIVING INSTINCTUALLY constantly in a more clean way ( if you get my meaning) and it brings me not only a richer story but a truly richethe-present-moment-thich-rsr life!

 

Week 23: DO IT NOW…for your tomorrow’s

ghost-in-the-shell-ghost-in-the-shell-28282037-1600-1200Each passing day more authenticity rears its head!

Not some ideal expression of bliss at the end of a fabulous experiential workshop

but the real deal

I feel a myriad of emotions

I observe my judgements, my mental diet and I see the ‘do it nows’ in action and I am clear about what does and does not work for me.

I no longer talk myself into a compromise of my values, I genuinely enjoy what resonates with me and choose to move myself away from what does not!

And while I do move away from what I perceive as negative, I also treasure the lesson and look to see exactly what the reflection is teaching me.

third-eyeThe biggest changes are that I can clearing see my beliefs manifesting AND have the time to see whether they represent the ‘old’ or the ‘new’ subby.

I am about to chew my foot off to make an employment change and something inside says….be patient…the good change is just around the corner. AND so is the grand mastermind of them all…the retreat!

My boss asked me what I didn’t like about my work and I wrote her a page titled ” Integrity and Morale’. This stirred things up enough for her to hold a meeting with she and I and HR!

Wow, HR was draconian and I mean if I had been interviewed with them back in October I am certain I would have turned down the position

Then again I am not the same person I was in October, in any way, shape or form!

The following day, my boss began our typical mini business one on one and I ended the meeting with ” OFF THE RECORD, HR was NARLY! ” I actually told my boss I would not have taken the job had I been spoken to and given the rigid rules that are being layed down now.

karabakh-tatik-papik-monumentHere was HR’s logic, ” IF you are successful for three more weeks, you can collect unemployment!” AND ” YOU have to give the company 30 hours a week regardless of what you are making!”

REALLY!!

WHAT KIND OF GOALS ARE THESE! THESE ARE NOT MY GOALS…FOR SURE!

 

I am focusing in my sit, and with all the tools at my disposal for my DMP and with my eye so far into the future me ( the version I can’t even imagine yet), I have no idea what or when the next income producing solution will manifest other than soon!!!

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Week 22: Thoughts are Things!

 

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Edward Walker said thoughts are things…and as pointed out its important to share from our inner teacher…so Sadaya’s mantra is move into silence.

This can be breath~ it can be dance~it can be washing windows…whatever takes full concentration AND it can be static.

 

Speaking from a red-headed freckle faced perspective for all you Italians you may move your hands as long as your mind is at rest. There are no awards given out for sitting still!

I did after sometime enjoy still silent meditation and the pain in the body cried out such that I often choose other forms.

For me I choose dance, paint or sing…

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Ram Daas was a charismatic speaker, he was his voice, his talks…then he had a stroke and my experience with him after this event was that the space between the words he was then able to speak created an exponential power!

I am seeing how little my stories matter to someone other than myself.

How my need to create self esteem and benefit in the eyes of others through my sharing of my experiences is for me.

This makes me wonder if the premise of my DMP is truly motivated from service?

When I help others and I feel good…do I focus on supporting them rather than on what needs looking at in myself?

It seems my judgement of those who take major breaks from others to recharge may be short sighted?

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I notice when I stay open and connected to my deeper beliefs and away from needless busy-ness of body or mind, the beautiful dreams I possess to become more anchored into reality through the silent movement of our ‘work’ into new my belief ‘bank’

Today I notice more bird song, sweet tropical breezes, lush green landscape, puppy kisses, fresh foods, kindness, smiles and laughter…yes I am rich indeed

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Week 21: Being the Change!

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Not just knowing the change!

I see that cling to safety when making changes and this keeps me small. I also leap impulsively…where is the middle ground ?

When my kids were small I held to the excuse that I needed to make safe choices for them. 

inspirationalquotes3Now, looking deeper I must admit I have zero excuse and am clear it is a fear of death. I am attached to my body and take for granted there is a long future I must stay comfortable for.

I now live in a home where I observe fear, procrastination, piles of potential projects ripe with a call to service and ripe with the option of sidestepping the focus on my own ideas and on myself.

There is also kindness, hard work and positivity here among my housemates and yet there is underlying desperation and pain. What a reflection!

 

My grown childrens’ choices also trigger guilt and deep reflection.

They would be the first to tell you that it’s not all about me ( haha)!

One child who appears to demand space and excellence for her journey, one appears to choose safety, smallness, stagnation of creativity and one admits they feel more confident at a party when there are libations under their belt. Yikes! what a reflection!

My libation besides chocolate is..wait for it…thinking, talking and helping others! Woah, that’s my DMP helping others. What would happen if I did nothing for others…how would my gifts manifest?

It smarts a little to see how much crap I want to move to create completely what I dream…and I am so clear now that I can create. I have the tools, the environment and the gifts…so fear be damned!

Next stop, you guessed it, the work.

Not knowing it, not talking about it, not telling others how to do it but just DOING IT NOW!

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Week 20: Seeing the Mirror

tumblr_msdqa3fd2l1renyrao1_1280-e1399502459955I am in appreciation for the room I manifested for the now. I am learning 2 things, I am changing so fast I cannot hold onto the present as it becomes the past or I pretend “NOT TO KNOW” that the future will indeed be different by virtue of my changing beliefs.

In the event of Mandino’s theme of it being my last opportunity to excel I marvel at all the miracles I have experienced most especially since September 25th.

My landlord and roommate is one of 3 roommates is a lovely property and house that both need extensive TLC ( as does my landlord). It is an expression of my interest in something that seduces with potential yet unmanifested!

My landlord has a prognosis of 2 years to live, his mother passed recently, his wife left 2 years ago taking with her the last few of their 10 children leaving him in a deep process.

It is always tempting with someone sharing these types of challenges to fix things! Clean up, have that garage sale, find some special practitioner or therapist to cure what seems his unhappy fate or worse attempt to be that therapist!

What little I do say since my opinion is not the best way to support seems to be comforting at first.

katy-perry-part-of-meThen I notice the daily choices and I realize the fertile ground I have been offered to do my own work.

What needs to be cleaned out of my inner and outer world to make way for the new me?

Where do I pretend not to know how to manifest the outer life I desire?

How specifically does my living in any part of my past prevent my success?

Fear                     Guilt                    Unworthiness                   Hurt Feelings                 Anger

Every fear leads to death ultimately, all guilt is unworthiness, hurt feelings are about taking something personally and anger is an expression of fear.

I can reject the creation I have walked into or I can embrace it as a reflection of the level of self giving I am able to accept.

WOW, knowing what I am creating is far from ideal for the future me, I get to love what I am learning and bring into my sit and exercises. Whenever my eyes are open and I am home I cannot but notice how the inner work affects the outer world.

I notice also the state many humans have to be in before they are willing to work tirelessly towards change, myself included!!

This week I found a place to live and it thrusts me further into the discomfort of my commitment to change.

There is truly nothing left but trusting the methods and their process ( of our course) afforded me if I want to transform and I believe it no accident our brain has many turns in her design.

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Week 19: Miracles (are) Two Steps from Hell :)

 

A dear friend once gave a short talk I attended called Be…Do…Have. This talk was in the early part of 2003 or there abouts. He instructed us to create the ‘felt sense’ of what having our dream would feel like in order to ‘have ‘ it!

SOUND FAMILIAR

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Oh the opportunties we are given to learn and the timing we choose to take them in. It would be interesting to track the manifestations and yet there was no map to the activation of ‘subby’?!

 

fast forward…

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Its 1225am and my eyes have been open for several minutes now.

I might as well be writing in the Alliances and in my blog if I can’t sleep.T

NINE Miracles and Counting in week 19:

  • A daughter returns to Kauai and i recognize and am in deeper gratitude for who she is!
  • Her willingness to hold space for me amidst my lessons and her profound subby “WOW”
  • It occurs to me that if I could be a part of the creating of HER subby then somewhere within I already have the ability to BECOME through changing BELIEF all I dream of, ever upleveling my contribution through my DMP and with that a most beautiful world inside and out!

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  • The realization that anything I can dream has been within my grasp my entire life and already modeled to me in my contributions to date. Biggest examples, my three children…a huge shift in focus now for me!!
  • In a momentus flash rather than a collection of years, I learn from the entire cast in my life play now.  I am forming a new script with new characters and thanking some for their long run and moving forward into the new world with gusto!
  • Manifesting a tough home search…walking into the eleventh hour with it…manifesting a clear better option within 12 hours ( after some down home processing)
  • Seeing three viable options for a starting point of work projects that are in integrity with who I am

Realizing the new home option still has lot of lessons, asking out loud for support and direction as well as clear communication that this may not be the door I choose knowing I could be in the abyss once again…with my new puppy in tow. stock-photo-beautiful-red-haired-little-girl-with-puppy-isolated-on-white-background-space-for-your-text-555700114

Understanding when I feel into the manifestations and they do not jive with my dreams I can get clear and ask again.

Willing to admit I am in fear, or vulnerability, or indecision to actors ( in my play) who I know will judge me and possibly close doors…doing it anyway and doing it now.

Okay, so its 10 miracles…and as Dominica says…EnJoy…

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THIS is the feeling that directs me to strengthen my belief and thus the outer life congruent becomes with my hearts desires…thankyou, thankyou, thankyou to this life I have chosen… to learn what I am learning right here and now, and Mahalo to all for the reflections offered!

Peace Out …stay tuned …gotta move by Monday, lol.

 

 

Week 18:The Abyss…or

As I read Emerson and my brain skips back and forth, something catches my eye.

abyss-slider-8“There is no thought in my mind but it quickly tends to convert itself into a power and organizes a huge instrumentality of means.”

As I look further in the questions and answers I see that thought continues to move through until we give it life or form through the action of belief.

Never static, just subconsciously creating our deepest beliefs!

There it is again, belief. In my life play, 18 weeks: 3 household moves, about to be 3 job changes, 3 business opportunities set aside for now, 3 vacations ( including our May retreat) and hangin in on ONE COURSE.

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What is the Abyss you ask?

Perhaps its a myth that there is some bottomless drop off between reality and the unknown, seems true that thoughts create apparent form and beliefs create a concrete life path ( along with limitations). However, the unknown is not consistent between people or even within one’s lifetime. New beliefs create new realities and therefore the abyss is actually the field of dreams.

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If you build it, they will come’!  

Well here come, the 3 miracles of the last 3 weeks!

1-A teacher frames my life experience as my purpose in a way I have always misunderstood…she said. ‘ you are a catalyst’, this is why life doesn’t always fit.

Phew, I thought I was still doing something wrong to feel like the ugly duckling! Yet when someone who I believe recognizes my core trait, it removes the sting. birds-swans_00343788

2-I meet a young woman who shares how she was moved to wait for her dream here in Kauai and in a mere 3 weeks, what arrives is even more beautiful than she can imagine and she acknowledges her gratitude out loud to a complete stranger…me!

3-Today at work I put out a prayer for something more in line with my values. I receive a call from an aquaintance that there may be a position open in work that is all about service! Also that they are looking into referring me for this position!  It would be a lateral move into something positive and I can do while my contribution of purpose continues to marinate.

WOW…grateful and amazed! As my friend who writes prayers says, Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for all that is given.

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